zone of proximal development

abandoned on the stairs.among
broken walls and smudged rainbows
can I depend on destiny to free me?
depend on free
envelope me.envelope me in the.the
fields of light.dark.shattering void
giving substance to the emptimess
hanging from my frozen branches. not I.I watched you break
just break.not shatter.just break
killing my least I thought
light couldn't get in anymore
making my dream dark
no not dark
only shadowed.
pure. though it was
quite functional I discovered
revealing a
shred of light (magically now opening pure thought)
that in my mind that was no longer mine
universally it was theirs. it was
violated.yes violated
X number of strangers watched
you. or is it me now. no me. as you
zoned my mind for proximal development.

                                                                         Feral Intelligence (seven tiny gold keys)

                                                  December 13, 2011 at 10:10am

Tiny and disparate pieces fall into place.  It feels as if someone walked over my grave.  My destination is secret.  My assignment is of no concern to them.  The machines we have built together are strong with feral intelligence.  My eyes throw out sparks to light up the night.
There is no mistaking my certainty of the double cost of love.  The foreknowledge of death is what separates man from beast.  I have an impulse to sever the connection but I never will.  You know that.  I can't.  I am damaged beyond repair.  You saw to that.

I've said it before.  It bears repeating, now, and forever; this shadow war that we wage seems impossible to win.  The more powerful we get, the deeper it goes.  We only need one of the secrets to defeat them.  Planting circus themes, capturing sunlight and shade, our backs are against the wall.  You are so cruel, but only to me.

Defeat or madness, the only possible results.  Dipping into the poison in the bowl, I sing.  What delight awaits us on the other side?  I take you between my lips, I chew, I swallow.  You cannot, you dare not, resist me now.  Can you cope with reality?  Correctly identifying it is the real trick.  Now is the time.  There will be no other. 

"Who has more fun than I do?", I think as I drive.  My love has naturally curdled into hate.  I am a pro at self-abuse.  I see myself as a clown, a sad clown.  My entire world is you.  Friendships with others is senseless.  They bleed into my life, outworldly, never existing on the plane I share with you.  Forever altered, flashing through my mind.  The awakening comes out of the ground. 

The pain is intense, but I will cry no more.  No more tears for me; they are useless.  You disguise your hatred of women by wrapping it in religious text, but it is plain just the same.  I laugh silently.  I apply a thin line of glue to the wound so you won't start bleeding all over again.  Another layer of secrets and lies revealed. 

We have discovered a common ground, a place where life makes sense to both of us.  Nowhere, our closely guarded secret.  How quickly hate returns to love, which is something heinous by it's very nature.  You are my sacrifice.  I will not accept the invitation.  You must come for me.  I do not want to be invited.  I want to be taken.

Slam Drama
June 30, 2010

1. seems I have lived in dumpsters
with you while other peoples shit rolled off our backs
like water for the living
not past our prime yet

2. all day long then
we sang our songs of the living death
laughing tears,
banishing one another
to the darkness of each others soul

3. after I tasted sour mash whiskey
that reminded me of the taste of your kiss
that happened once to me
while I was slashing my writes
because of something you said.

4. after you admitted to the lie that I lived for
after I died for you
as the moon collided with the sun
coming back for me not again
I am still dead.

5. after you sang a song to me
from the ancient tome of the demon.
demon songs repeat endlessly
reminding me of our sacrifice.

6. after we danced
danced and are still dancing
around the subject
the camillas trampled underfoot
still betray the meaning.
You speak of communion and catharthis
like you know what they mean.
Practicing religion like a madman
does not make you pure.
Only women bleed.

7. after the war zone
was rezoned for the living
you denied that time was the master of destiny.
I cried for them
~the unknowing~
still trapped in your magic dance.

8. after I again bring to you my confession
I will lie
I will lie and you won't know
because you have already
relinquished the right
to see that my pain is not distress
I laugh in your face
because I
and only I
chose to embrace you
in all your filth and derision.

9. after I lost friends
lost you
near the highway that you told me to avoid
I crawl along the pavement
searching for the wasted days and wasted nights
that held the answers
to the questions that you avoided
and made me find my own answers.
Some of them correct
some of them undeniably Wrong.

10. after I listened to the music
that you suggested
I found that you only knew half the story
I found my own way in my own music
Sia, Beth taught me strength
not to be confused with force
like you "forced" me to be alone
alone with you
alone with myself
dancing with myself
with you me
I am You are Me.

11. after I forgive you
I said I did
I forgave you
but I only half meant it.
Your duplicity
Your obsession with the anti-christ
trying to fool me by wearing his clothes
but I knew
I knew
I had seen him before and he was not you.
The priest told me told me
and told me again
that I should trust the Magus.
The magic man that had deciphered the clues and codes
but was hiding them from me.
Yes, the priest told me all that.
So I knew.

12. after you looked into my eyes
and yelled
you denied that you saw God.
but you know.

13. after all this time
I say I don't love you anymore
but I do.
I can't help it
It is my curse.
oh jesus
you hang so near
and yet so far away
it is my curse.

14. after I lie to you
do you believe I still love you?

15. after we decipher
this missive of grand design
that the daughters of Zion
forced upon us
because they knew
they knew who we are.
we will then be whole
together or apart
no matter.

16. after superstrings and quantum foam
tie us up and lubricate us
burning our retinas
so that maybe we will not have to look
not have to see
the damage that we have already done
oil spills
the list goes on.
to ~the creator~
I realized you were unaware of my presence
of my devotion/adoration
of my disappointment
of my predicament.
Two worlds collided for an instant
that morphed into a lifetime.

17. after I sing with my friends
my few perfect friends
the nouvelle vague
I dance with my friends
in the morning
hearing and seeing
a new world
before our eyes
that reflects the perfect vision
our lips denied the drink.

18. after we/I have gathered
the ten thousand
of the chosen
who know
who feel the burn
the sting of the perfect love
the path of the visionary will open
and you will have to stand back
and let us pass over you
into your eyes your lips your soul.

19. after We resurrect Your love
you will appreciate
the open window
the breeze gathering your hair
up into the ascension,
the rapture ringing from every bell tower.
my story will be complete.

20. after I am recognized
as the bride of christ
yes scared
and scarred.
my blood for sale on the open market
only then will you admit
that you gazed into my eyes
and gave me life.

21. After I spun you around down down...
falling slowly
free falling
I found the capsule you left behin
you left behind a legacy
for the free world
and the words said
"Remain in the tube."
In a roundabout way
the game commences
The checkmate of the ages is at hand
The ages of sunlight
The ages of moonshine
Are alight
Are all right In this king’s queen.
Running faster every day
Unlocking open doors
Stacking the cards
Hiding the evidence.
I'm alive again.

© Donna Surles 06.11.10